divine grace

warning: this poem may be triggering for survivors of abuse

divine grace

“too often
must dodge & weave
unknown traumas
within my mind
to find my way safely
thru this life”
– maggie grace

we were enchanted children
indigo grrrls
unpaid sex workers
sucking cocks

they shot darkness
behind the curtains
of our throats

children at their banquets
children are banquets
grandfathers hands
knead shoulders, heads

labor labor never rest
soldier children
stiff with one purpose
SURVIVE

this hidden universe
ancient
generational
forbidden to name

they split us
and split us
and split us
and split us

they forced themselves
in every crack
there is no hiding
we knew that

and we broke
we broke
we are broke
broken backwards children

grace you are called grace
grace you are the cracks
grace you are the puzzle
and the web

oh leysh i want to call you
grace. i should have called
you grace. i should have known
you live in these cracks too.

oh leysh oh leysh
oh fuck you oh ayuniz
oh habibtiz oh victims
sacred victims

i call you grace

sacred victim
reviled survivor
we come unglued
we fall through our cracks

we don’t have the power
to go back and have
acceptable childhoods

we thought they had
all the power
we thought they had
the whole world

but they didn’t have the cracks
we live here in the cracks
oh my young artist
learn to love the cracks

this web we are weaving
is held by grace
this freedom we are singing
is loved by grace

grace’s hand on my heart
squeezes til the tears come
grace’s hand on my life
keeps me steady for joy

this art isn’t finished
the enemy is within us
our power is grace
grace be with us

Creating Access Supporting Survivors of Sexual Assault with Disabilities

text of the pdf “Supporting Survivors of Sexual Assault with Disabilities.” transcribed for accessibility. original pdf here:
http://www.evawintl.org/Library/DocumentLibraryHandler.ashx?id=493

A special information packet produced by
2010
California Coalition Against Sexual Assault (CALCASA)
1215 K Street, Suite 1100
Sacramento, CA 95814
Tel: 916.446-2520 www.calcasa.org
Creating Access
Supporting Survivors of Sexual Assault with Disabilities

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Preface and Acknowledgments
Introduction
Legal Rights for Americans with Disabilities
The Intersections of Ableism and Other Oppressions
Prevalence of Sexual Violence and Abuse of Persons with Disabilities
The Dynamics of Ableism and Sexual Violence
The Power and Control Wheel: A Tool for Recognizing Abuse of Persons with Disabilities
10 Tips for Creating Accessibility
Suggestions for Improving Physical Accessibility
Outreach Strategies
Prevention Strategies
Appendix A: Key Terms and Definitions of Disability
Appendix B:Resources

Read more

losers

losers

1.
if your story is dull
water on stone
wearing you down until

one day there’s this
deep depression
right in the center of you

and there’s nothing left
to study but that hole
in your middle

and the whole has teeth
and the money never comes
and you find your eyes

they weigh a thousand pounds
the boulder that is
your whole your hole

and it has teeth. rotten
teeth that ache in your mouth
and gnash in your sleep

2.
if your story is horrible
and plain when it lays
beside the pain of the world

and the hole grumbles
and sends its stuff all over
your aching body

and all your friends have
wholes too, and aching bodies
and terrible stories

and the world is a wave
that crashes on you over
and over on all of you

and you try to keep each other’s
hands but your fingers slip
away from each other

and all your pain and your
aching bodies and the
drone of the wave

it’s so loud
so fucking loud
but you learn to drown it out

with the television the
internet and those hands
hands you maybe never seen

3.
if you fold these ghosts
into your heart between
two delicate leaves

even as the waves are
crashing and the noise
is echoing through you

and the leaves fall away
one at a time or
in a great rush

and your tears fall
like rain and your screams
disappear into the ocean

4.
if you are lonely and whole
and you’ve met the maw
in your inmost being

if you are sad and aching
and loving and fierce
and exhausted

hold on
hold on
hold on
hold on
hold on

adventures in medical debt

11/18/15

today I paid my dentist $200 and made an appointment. I still owe $150 but that’s way less than the $700 I started with. thanks to everyone who donated and participated in my auction.

I also have $700 in other unpaid medical debt.

—————————

my paypal address is [email protected] if you can contribute. I’m hoping to put another auction together soon. if you have an item or service to donate please visit http://www.billierain.com/donate-an-item

my auction is always found at http://www.billierain.com/auction

this is public and shareable, so please boost if you are so inclined. I am going to use this as my master post on my fundraising adventures.

THANKS!!!!

equations

the arithmetic of lies
2 + 2 = believe me
2 + 2 = i will save you
2 + 2 = don’t worry your pretty little head
i came to help
don’t fight it

the arithmetic of vengeance
2 + 2 = some kind of better life without you
2 + 2 = this longing is not for you
2 + 2 = give me something for this pain
fuck aspirin
this is existential

the arithmetic of illness
2 + 2 = my shattered nerves
2 + 2 = somebody’s pain scale
2 + 2 = everyone leaves
suitcase full of symptoms
see it dragging behind

the arithmetic of hope
2 + 2 = flowers that bloom and die
2 + 2 = flowers don’t do arithmetic
2 + 2 = what is hope
2 + 2 = the nature of this flower is to die
2 + 2 = withering is part of the deal
2 + 2 = is hope the opposite of letting go

i’m falling
always falling
never landing
never ending
never sure
never promised
never the same
never again

Support Abla’s Palestinian Fiance in Raising Money for Urgent Surgery

In February and March of 2015 we held a fundraising campaign for a sick Palestinian man who couldn’t afford urgent Healthcare in Palestinian Authority Hospitals. This man is actually my (Abla’s) fiance and the love of my life and we are planning to get married in Palestine but his illness and our lack of funds has put a stop to all our plans for our marriage. Initially I kept his name out of the fundraising campaign for his and his family’s privacy, and now we have decided to make it clear that he is my partner and fiance but given how many threats I received from people linked to the Palestinian Authority for my criticism of the PA Healthcare system during the last fundraising campaign, and given how it is not safe to give out his name for fear from retaliation since he lives in Palestine we have left his name out.
He was so weak after being sick with an amoeba infection that wasn’t treated for so long (in fact one Doctor at the PA government Hospital mistreated him and wasted most of the money we had raised on an ineffective and wrong treatment), that when he finally got the treatment he needed to get rid of the amoeba infection his body was so weak and fragile from fighting it for so long. He pushed himself back to work so he could make money to help me go to Palestine so we could be married and unfortunately in the first week he was so weak he fell and injured his knee which was previously injured. He is unable to move right now from the pain and requires knee surgery but it is not covered under the Palestinian Authority Health Insurance, and in fact this surgery is only offered at a private clinic and the cost is 3500 Israeli Shekels (approximately 889 US Dollars).
We are both exhausted from a winter spent trying to raise funds and with my love being so sick and in so much pain and with me being so far away in Canada and unable to be with him and to take care of him. We ask for your help again in raising 4000 Israeli Shekels (approximately 1016 US Dollars), 3500 (approximately 889 US Dollars) to cover the knee surgery and 500 (approximately 127 US Dollars) for additional costs (for medications and follow-up with the surgeon).
Thank you for your support and solidarity, we are completely helpless without the support of the Palestine Solidarity community. Healthcare should be available to all people who need it, and we do not believe that if you’re poor you should suffer without urgent Medical Treatment.
Abla Abdelhadi, a disabled Palestinian womyn living in colonized Canada

follow this link to donate:
http://tinyurl.com/mpqvw4q

for frida (and the angels standing guard ’round the side of my bed)

1
stretch towards me
tell me your secrets
did you walk
did you walk

i think of myself, mind you
everyone does it
not hard to see the resemblance
i love and share your femmestache

our eyes that burn
our art that slips under the carpets
our gender fierceness
our light skin and dark hair

was your room your kingdom
your bed throne

i can’t talk about you
i can only ask

i don’t know things
i don’t know things
about you

2
were you jewish
i am jewish
brown jew

not brown and jew
not arab and jew
brown jew mizrahi jew

3
were you beautiful to them
was it because of your light skin

were you ugly to them
was it because of your brokenness

how did you find your lovers
did they seek you out
were they afraid of breaking you more

did you experience much
physical pleasure
did your lovers
please you

how how how?

how did you live
how did you eat
who fed you

how how how?

did you drown in your
aloneness
did your art keep you
in company
were you quarantined for hours
days
months
years

4
how did you find me
how did you know i needed you

i found you after my own accident
cracked skull and dead friend
five of us survived

it wasn’t me who needed you then
amiga boliviana
she tattooed your brokenness
claimed you as her own

i drowned in bible verses
brain injured stupor
words and numbers
floated around my fractured head

but you came back to me
how did you know

5
my body is my kingdom
i believe in my existence
i wear you when i create
your stare comforts me

i wear this brittle existence
like a crown of thorns
i think i float
when angels carry me

my labor uncompensated
my art unrecognized
my anger wrapped in cloth
and exhaustion

6
i don’t know how to stay alive
you carry me

i don’t know how to exist
you validate me

i don’t know how to bear the pain
you comfort me

i don’t know why i am invisible
you recognize me

i don’t know how to breathe
you breathe through me

sick and disabled queers are offensive to facebook

several years ago, I started a group on facebook called sick and disabled queers. over the years it has grown to hundreds of members and has become a lifeline for many folks, contributed to the disability justice movement, developed terminology and language that centers disabled queers, and created a model for how to center people of color in an interracial setting.
apparently today my group was deleted without notice for violating facebook’s terms of service.

i’m pain’s bitch

thank you pain
you bitch
thank you

you’ve made me your bitch
pain and i’m grateful i’m
so so grateful

you rip through me
deeper than any orgasm

thank you bitch
you pain
thank you

you’ve got me
collared pain
thank you

you touch my body
fingers of flame
every day

your love is so intense
pain you bitch

oh and every day you
fuck me til i cry
howling
oh god
oh!

you rip my thoughts
out of my head pain
thank you

nothing else matters
when i’m with you

just you and me
in the sheets
howling and clawing

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